The Cannibal's Guide to Ethical Living by Mykle Hansen

Author:Mykle Hansen [Hansen, Mykle]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Bizarro, Fiction, Humorous
ISBN: 9781936383283
Google: 1VorkgAACAAJ
Publisher: Eraserhead Press
Published: 2010-10-15T05:00:00+00:00

Sometimes I hate the man. Sometimes I make plans to poison him. Sometimes I fantasize about doing the deed with my own hands, but in truth I don’t think the element of surprise and the largest gun I can lift would guarantee the outcome. In truth, I am afraid.

But also ... you must understand, Marko rescued me. After La Tartine, I had no work. I was unclean, untouchable. No head chef would take a chance on me, no restaurateur would help me rebuild a reputation. Rumors began to spread, legal proceedings began. I fled the continent, but my reputation preceded me, worldwide, in every respectable kitchen. I could not even wash dishes, Louis! I was, in their eyes, nothing more than the man who had been caught red handed.

By you, Louis. Caught red-handed by you.

Now, on the topic of red hands: Marko is up there, right now. Waiting for mittens. And we need to convince him that the meal he’s eating is the one he ordered.

Again I ask you, Louis: do you want to live?

If I knew another way, Louis, I’d take it. Don’t you think I’d take the other way?

Please sit still. I promise you, I’ve gotten very good at this. Minimal bloodletting, minimal suffering. You’ll want to bite down on this wooden spoon. You’re a southpaw, aren’t you? So we’ll go north. For the purpose of positive identification, one hand ought to do.

Louis! Squirming won’t help you, it’ll only prolong the problem. If you don’t let me apply this tourniquet properly I can’t be responsible for the mess.

Please, Louis, do calm down. Breathe.

Perhaps you’d like another sip of wine?

Sip, sip, sip.

Good man. One can lose oneself in a wine this deep. Here, have another swig.

And here’s a bit of kitchen wisdom: I’ve found, Louis, that when I’ve burned a finger in hot oil, or cut into a thumbnail with the cleaver, or any of the other times that my extremities have misstepped in their daily knife and fire dance, the best trick is to focus elsewhere. On your feet, for instance; are they cold? Or your nose: does it itch? Just think about the rest of you, Louis. Think of the large part of you that will survive this. Your right hand must die so that your other limbs may live—a noble sacrifice for the greater good. The exquisite, sensitive fingers ... they are the body’s millionaires, in a way.

Not surprisingly, they are quite delicious. If Marko leaves us any, I’ll offer you a taste.

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